In the Process
on discipline, creativity, and becoming who I said I would be
I love even numbers. As a child, when I first learned the difference between even and odd, I felt an immediate affinity for the evens. I’ve always turned an even age in even-numbered years, which I’m sure only deepened that attachment. Many of the most significant moments in my life have happened in even years, and whether that’s coincidence or meaning, I’m not sure. For a long time, I believed odd-numbered years were for building and even-numbered years were for doing. That distinction has softened as I’ve grown older and life has become more layered and expansive, but the belief still lives somewhere deep in me. So I decided that 2025 would be a deliberate building year, one meant to set me up for 2026.
One of my biggest goals this year was to revamp my website. The last time I seriously took this on was in 2018, when I branched out from Tumblr (now a time capsule from my college years) and launched my first professional site. Nearly two years later, during the early months of the pandemic, I finally built out a system for selling prints. I was motivated by a desire to do good—to donate to mutual aid organizations, to stay connected to something larger than myself during an isolating time. When print sales finally went live, I felt deeply proud. I was giving back to my community, creating an additional stream of income, and, for the first time, I felt like a real photographer.
Five years, four apartments, three jobs, two cameras, and one partner later, I decided to formally re-establish my photography side hustle as a freelance business when I turned 30 last year. I knew it wouldn’t happen quickly. I wasn’t quitting my full-time job. And I knew it would require real commitment. I set goals. I bought a Full Focus Planner (which I genuinely can’t recommend enough if you struggle with using your time effectively). I talked things through with friends and family. I started The Artist’s Way for the fourth time—I write the month and year in the book every time I begin, which feels both sweet and a little sad. This time, though, feels a little different. It’s the most serious I’ve been. My website still isn’t finished but it’s getting there, and I’m genuinely excited to share it when it’s ready.
Recently, I stumbled across a Substack where a woman uses the platform as a true digital diary, recording the banal details of daily life alongside her thoughts. I was inspired by that honesty, by someone simply putting herself out there and seeing what happened. Earlier this year, I tried starting a Substack myself and got stuck trying to define a niche. I wanted a place to share my photos and to write for myself again, but everything felt forced. I tried emulating people I admired. I tried posting only photos. I even tried turning things I genuinely love into links and immediately felt strange, like I was performing “content” instead of just being a person. I deleted the post, even though a few people I admire had liked it.
I recently saw a TikTok of these gorgeously talented, smart, interesting, and utterly unique women at Oxford talking about their lives as mathematicians, and I was completely mesmerized by the way they spoke, how they thought, how confidently they took up space.
I get this feeling sometimes when I watch people doing what they truly love or relentlessly pursuing their ambitions. There’s another influencer I follow who works in investment banking, and I often find myself lingering on her content too. Do I want to work in investment banking? No.
What I actually want is discipline. Accountability. To move my own dreams forward with intention. I want to live in alignment with my values, pursue what I care about deeply, and keep growing—intellectually and creatively. I know this longing isn’t unique, but there’s something vulnerable about naming it, about admitting how much you want something when you’re not sure you’ll ever fully reach it.
Do I want to be vulnerable on the internet? Not really. But I’m learning that vulnerability is part of the practice—of caring less about how I’m perceived and more about living honestly. So I’m trying something simpler. A little messier. Something that feels like me. I don’t know exactly what this space will become, but I know I want to show up here and document the process of becoming.
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Thank you for reading, it means so much to me! See more of my work on Instagram, TikTok, and my website.